


every summer since

by ughhismind



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Fluff and Angst, Iwaizumi Hajime is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Oikawa Tooru is bad at feelings tooooo, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:20:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27713978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ughhismind/pseuds/ughhismind
Summary: Oikawa had always been the only one to read through the cracks in his visage and poke at the raw flesh underneath. He would say his sweet nothings, play Iwaizumi’s heartstrings to his content, and he would fold.Just like he had every summer since they stopped being boys.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	every summer since

Summers in Miyagi had always felt too short in Iwaizumi’s mind.  
By the time spring air turned humid and the lush forests surrounding them were at their peak, the winds began to pick up and before he knew it, it was back to winter and he would feel cold with longing for those summer days again. 

But his last summer in Miyagi, before he would leave his hometown for the bustling city of Tokyo, the days had never felt so long. 

The routine of early morning practice had embedded itself in his unconscious routine long ago. Each morning he woke up at five, sticky with sweat from the heat in the night and aching to work out the tension that had worked its way through his bones. His last summer days would begin before the sun had even begun cresting the horizon and he would have to find ways to fill the time before he could go to sleep again— and try to forget the swirling thoughts clouding his head.

It was always the same though, at night as he lay in bed, eyes closed so tight to the point where he could feel the wrinkles forming permanent lines on the bridge of his nose. He’d try to no avail to will himself to just sleep, and his phone would ring. And each night, just as he would yell into his pillow for a seconds and try to will the side of himself saying “don’t answer it this time, don’t answer it this time” to win, he would grab the phone and mumble, “What?” with as much disdain as he could.

You see, Iwaizumi used to love summer. 

Iwaizumi used to love summers when he could run through the forest and catch bugs, always releasing them before he would go home for dinner. When he would get scolded by the owner of the konbini by his home for buying another popsicle which would melt faster than he could eat it. The feeling of being young, and stupid, with no worries other than “I wonder what I’ll do tomorrow” running through his head.

Now he despised summer, because he’d let a secret hatred fester for every summer since puberty up until now. 

Because every summer since puberty, Oikawa would call and Iwaizumi would answer. 

“So grumpy, Iwa-chan!” Came Oikawa’s usual reply, but this time he added a ‘what?’, mimicking Iwaizumi’s gruff tone, right after. “Did I wake you?”

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, not admitting that he’d been far from sleep, only laying in his bed because he’d been hoping he could trick himself into counting sheep till he did. “Yeah.” He lied, flipping onto his back to stare at the ceiling, “What do you want, Shittykawa?” He replied, just like he always did, counting the seconds on his end of the phone until Oikawa would hum through the receiver and ask him his usual nonsensical request.

Oikawa sighed, “I need you to come help me sneak out.” His voice sounded hopeful, like Iwaizumi would say no, which he would— at first. But he could practically picture the dumb expression on his face, all secret smiles and mischievous eyes. Like he knew this routine as well as Iwaizumi did, and loved to torture him with his ignorance. 

“You’re graduated, can’t you just be honest with your parents and say you’re going out?” 

“No, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa spoke, and Iwaizumi held the phone a few inches away for a moment as his voice came out a whine. “It’s so embarrassing, they always ask too many questions. So you can come, be my look out and break my fall for me while I play Rapunzel~” 

“I am not your Prince Charming, dumbass.” Iwaizumi spat, grimacing with distaste as the shadows on his ceiling formed the image of their twisted fairytale image in his mind’s eye.

Oikawa giggled, and Iwaizumi could hear the sheets of his bed rustling through the phone as he undoubtedly rolled around with glee. “Why not? Come save me from my tower, I’ll make it worth your while, sire.” 

Iwaizumi was silent for a moment, pondering the events that would no doubt unfold as they always did. He would go, because no matter the mask he put on, Oikawa had always been the only one to read through the cracks in his visage and poke at the raw flesh underneath. He would say his sweet nothings, play Iwaizumi’s heartstrings to his content, and he would fold. 

Just like he had every summer since they stopped being boys. 

“I’ll be there when I can.” 

“You’re the best, Iwa-chan!”

———

The summer before they started high school, they somehow suddenly and unknowingly slipped from juvenile kids into adolescence. 

Oikawa, with new eyes, started discovering girls. While Iwaizumi, against every part of him wishing it weren’t true, began discovering his best friend.

The earliest formed realization that he was seeing his best friend in a whole new light compared to how he’d seen him their whole lives, happened on a late Saturday afternoon when they were 14. There was nothing particularly exceptional about it, which always struck Iwaizumi as odd, when he thought back on it, that it had morphed into a defining moment. He guessed that’s how all life-changing experiences happened though— not at all, then all at once. 

They were together, as they always were, sitting on the curb outside the konbini on the long stretch of road between their homes. They had spent a significant portion of the morning and midday practicing volleyball sets in Iwaizumi’s small backyard. Until they realized how soaked they were with sweat and dying for the relief only an icy treat would bring. 

“And then they brought Take-chan over, which was fine cause he’s only three and he’s cute now— past that gross baby stage and before he learns to act like my sister but he spilled juice all over my new volleyball shoes!” 

“The white ones with the-“

“With the embroidered stars on the sides!” Oikawa interrupted with a loud huff, “Yes, Iwa-chan! And then he started to cry, and it suddenly must have been my own fault, cause my mom made me console him! Can you believe that?” 

Iwaizumi snorted, stretching his legs towards the road and tilting his head back to the sky, feeling a rivulet of bright blue syrup from his popsicle run down his hand and drip onto the ground. “He’s just three, Trashykawa. How do I know you aren’t just pinning it on him and you didn’t try some stupid tie dye experiment again?” 

Oikawa scoffed, “That was one time! On one jersey, and I learned not to mix it with the rest of my clothes after that! Mean, Iwa-chan!”

It was at that moment, when Oikawa turned his body slightly away from Iwaizumi in a trivial form of retaliation against his teasing, it changed. Iwaizumi turned his head, lips parted, snarky words dying on the tip of his tongue as he was given a moment of uninterrupted gaze on his friend. Oikawa sat beside him, with his usually perfectly coiffed hair sticking up in the back from the humidity, his cheeks dusted a gentle pink from the sun blistering down on them, and his body poised so languidly on the concrete. 

It was then Iwaizumi realized how beautiful he was.

And in that moment, Iwaizumi began to sweat for a completely different reason completely unbeknownst to all of his internal fourteen year old understanding.

A green melon pop sat so precariously between Oikawa’s fingers, and Iwaizumi watched as he put the tip of it in his mouth with a wet pop, and he could see the motions of his tongue working the treat through the shapes on his cheek. 

Iwaizumi felt a sudden warmth spread through his chest, gradually snaking and taking shape down through his limbs till even the tips of his toes felt as though they were overheating. The skin of his neck all the way up to his cheekbones was boiling, a long stretch of tanned skin stained a bright shade of red now. He’d never experienced this before, because everyone called Oikawa beautiful as if it was some proverb that the whole of Miyagi knew.

When they were in second grade, they met for the first time, their mothers stopping to greet each other in the supermarket. They had been in the same book club and had bonded over their sons. As Iwaizumi’s mother met her friend’s son for the first time, she’d gasped and with nothing but pure honesty, “Well hello Oikawa-kun, aren’t you a beautiful boy!” 

Seven year old Iwaizumi had peeked out from behind his mother’s leg to see the other boy across from him give the most ear-splitting grin he could muster before saying, “Thank you!” in the gentle melody of a voice that Iwaizumi would come to know. But before all that time of them growing close, young Iwaizumi had just stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry when Oikawa had turned that gaze to him and winked. 

The afronted look on the little boy’s face had been anything but beautiful in his opinion. 

So why did he feel so foolish right now, as if he were finally getting some joke that everyone else knew but him? Like everyone he’d ever met had been laughing at him secretly for not understanding what made the tall, slender boy so captivating. Now he got it, and he was panicking.  
But it didn’t feel right for him to call Oikawa beautiful because anyone and everyone did. Despite how hard he tried to hide it, Oikawa knew with his sly smiles to Iwaizumi that he wasn’t just ‘anyone’ to him.  
What could he say to him instead? Oikawa, right now you look-?

“Iwa-chan! Your freckles are coming in!” 

Iwaizumi was snapped from his train of thought, caught wide-eyed and speechless in front of Oikawa’s face. The other boy didn’t seem to notice though as he wiped his hand on the side of his shorts before trailing a slim pointer finger over the heated skin of Iwaizumi’s shoulder. What would have been a touch that he would shove off with a grunt of, “get off me, Shittykawa” now left him trembling. He hoped Oikawa wouldn’t notice because he couldn’t explain these feelings to himself let alone to the reason he felt this way. 

Oikawa seemed to be captivated by the space of Iwaizumi’s shoulder to notice the slight shake traveling through him at each gentle stroke of his hands. He looked to follow Oikawa’s touch with his eyes, seeing that the tan skin of his shoulders exposed to the sun from his tank top had formed spots a slighter darker shade of brown over them. This happened every summer, freckles blossoming over his shoulders and cheeks and Oikawa always pointed them out first, mapping constellations through them with the tips of his fingers. It’d never affected him before the way it did now. 

“And this one could be cancer, just like me, Iwa-chan! See the way it goes,“ Oikawa traced down before splitting his finger into the downward motion of a triangle without a bottom base. “Like I’m always with you. Then this one could be Cygnus, the swan cause it goes…Iwa?”

Oikawa tipped his head to the side with a questioning gaze. He’d been caught staring, and he knew he should try to say something to justify his actions. Though the loose collar of Oikawa’s shirt had slipped down to expose a pointed clavicle and all he could so eloquently form was an “uh um”, as his mouth went dry. 

“Is that you going back to your caveman roots?” Oikawa teased, his eyebrows rising as his lips quirked into his usual smirk. “Here, I’ll try to communicate with you ooga booga aH-“

Iwaizumi smacked the remainder of his popsicle right out of Oikawa’s hands.

Oikawa gasped, and they both looked as the melon pop instantly began to melt on the heated concrete. “Iwa-chan! How rude, you better buy me a new one!” He turned his gaze to Iwaizumi, the pout on his lips not reaching his eyes. The petulant look he usually gave when Iwaizumi made fun of him lacked any real negative feelings. Instead it only ignited the flames licking at his skin, and he had to focus all his attention on forming words instead of staring like he had been before.

He tsked, shoving the remainder of his popsicle in his own mouth and turning his gaze up to the sky again. “You were almost done with it anyways, idiot. That’s what you get for comparing me to a neanderthal, shitty people don’t get good things.” The sun beat down on his upturned face, and he squinted right into it. Maybe if he stared right at it, he would go blind and never have to ogle at Oikawa again. 

“I’m gonna tell your mother you’ve been kissing her with that horrible mouth.” Oikawa quipped, and Iwaizumi could hear the slight whimper he made as he picked up the sticky small piece of wood off the ground. “Maybe if I go cry, and call the woman behind the counter Oneesan, she’ll give me a free one.” 

Iwaizumi turned back to look at Oikawa, and instead of rolling his eyes at the devilish look smeared across his best friend's face, he was completely enamored by it instead. The sun cast light directly into the color of Oikawa’s eyes, making the brown look like two pools of honey framed by the shadows of his long, girlish lashes. 

Iwaizumi blinked, what was wrong with him? 

He pushed himself off from the ground, feeling his knees wobble for a fraction of a second as he dusted the dirt off his shorts. “Come on,” he grunted, looking over his shoulder to see Oikawa staring up at him from the ground, mouth set in a small ‘o’. 

Iwaizumi squeezed the popsicle stick between his teeth hard enough to feel it crack, “I’ll buy you a new one, I’m not gonna let you terrorize that poor woman.”

Oikawa’s face brightened, and he hopped up, swinging his arms around Iwaizumi’s shoulders and leaning onto his back. “Yay, Iwa-chan, so kind! Have I ever told you how much of a gentleman you are?” He crooned, tightening his arms to nuzzle his nose into the hairs at the back of Iwaizumi’s neck. 

Touch had become so commonplace between them as the years had passed but this time, Iwaizumi froze and felt his face flame up again. He shrugged the lanky arms of his friend off, making his way towards the shop. “Yeah, yeah, hurry up before I change my mind, dumbass.” 

Oikawa skipped up behind him as they walked inside. The cool air of the shop did nothing to quell the heat of his skin, nor take the blush away from his cheeks. The old woman behind the counter laughed as Oikawa pointed it out, teasing him with ‘ooh why the blush, Iwa?’. 

Iwaizumi snapped at him, but up until the end of the day when he lay in bed at night still warm from the sun and his bath, he wondered why he had been blushing and what was so wrong with him that it had to be Oikawa. 

——

July twentieth was Oikawa Tooru’s birthday, and this year he was fifteen. Every year they spent their birthdays together, usually playing volleyball with a dinner at their respective families home. On Iwaizumi’s birthdays he liked to end the days with snacks, forcing Oikawa to watch reruns of his favorite horror movies. On Oikawa’s birthdays, he liked the nights to end with the two of them sprawled out on the grass of Iwaizumi’s backyard to stargaze. 

It had cooled down considerably as the day passed, a light breeze rustling the clothes Iwaizumi’s mother had hung up that morning. They lay in between the clothes lines, Iwaizumi on his back with hands crossed behind his head. Oikawa insisted that they would get cold too quickly and had wormed his way right next to his side, one arm squeezed between them. Iwaizumi could feel the heat of it through his t-shirt, making an uncomfortable tingle manifest in his stomach. But it wasn’t a bad uncomfortable. Getting older was weird. 

“I have a good feeling about tonight, Iwa-chan. I think we just might see a UFO tonight.” 

Iwaizumi snorted, “Why would a UFO come to Miyagi tonight, dumbass?”

Oikawa shifted, reaching over and tearing a piece of milk bread from the aluminum package resting on Iwaizumi’s stomach. He’d baked it for Oikawa himself, but didn’t go into detail about how it’d taken him the whole of the previous day and how happy it had made him feel when Oikawa had liked it.  
“Because it’s my birthday, and they know I’m a believer, obviously.” He retorted.

“And how would they know that, huh?”

“I’m sorry that aliens are just smarter than you are, Iwa-chan and they just know everything, duh.” Oikawa’s smug tone should’ve made him upset, but all he could see to muster right now was a roll of his eyes.

“If you don’t stop talking with your mouth full, you’re gonna choke and never get to meet your stupid aliens.” Iwaizumi grumbled, squinting up at the sky and trying to form curse words with constellations just so he could point it out and piss him off. 

Oikawa made a small noise that sounded like a squeak, tearing another piece off and popping it into his mouth. He could hear him chewing fast, probably already on the verge of saying something else just to get under Iwaizumi’s skin. 

But he didn’t. Oikawa went silent, unmoving as he stared up at the night sky. 

Iwaizumi was afraid that it was going to rain through the night and ruin their annual plans. It’d drizzled that morning, and Iwaizumi could feel the remnants of damp grass pressing into his shorts. But it had cleared up as the day went on, leaving the sky completely cloudless and full of millions upon millions of twinkling lights. This was the good side of being in the country, being able to have a view like this. Iwaizumi had hated being out here when he was little, it had been ‘boring’ by himself.  
It hadn’t been like that since Oikawa came along. 

As silently as he could, he turned his head towards the boy resting beside him, breath held tight between his teeth. Oikawa’s chin was tilted towards the sky, head leaned back with his eyes half-lidded into crescents. His lips were slightly parted, and Iwaizumi could see his chest rise and fall with slow, shallow breaths. Under the moonlight Iwaizumi noticed just how fair Oikawa’s porcelain skin was, not a single imperfection stretching from his face to that long slender neck. He swallowed the lump quickly forming in his throat, the palms of hands starting to sweat where they sat under his head. 

Once again, he was completely taken back by how beautiful he was. It’d been a full year since he’d reached that conclusion and he’d yet to come up with a word that could accurately portray Oikawa’s appeal to him. 

Maybe there wasn’t a word in Japanese that could clearly describe him.

“Iwa-chan, can I tell you a secret?”

Iwaizumi nearly jumped at Oikawa’s words, watching as Oikawa turned his head to meet his gaze. His eyes seemed to soften as they met his, lips lifting into a tender smile. 

He furrowed his eyebrows, “Uh, sure?” When had Oikawa ever asked to tell him a secret? He usually had a hard time keeping his mouth shut.

It was hard to tell, even at this proximity, but a slight flush seemed to take over Oikawa’s cheeks. Iwaizumi could feel his fingers twitch against his side, still pressed tight between them. Oikawa sighed, “I had my first kiss last week.”

Iwaizumi felt the heat that’d been ensnaring his body wash away, replaced now by a chill settling deep in his bones. “Um.” He said, brain at a loss for words. It was no secret Oikawa was popular with girls, always having one or two hot on his heels. They’d talked about girls in a casual sense too, the way two boys growing up would. They’d talked about kissing, and the excitement of touching someone else in a way that went beyond friends. Iwaizumi had always kept the conversation ambiguous though, because if they talked too much the faceless version of his ‘firsts’ always became Oikawa.

“Congrats, I guess? W-Who?” He hoped Oikawa wouldn’t notice the tremor in his words.

“Some girl over the mountain, I met her at a morning market with my parents.” Oikawa stated, but he didn’t have the time in his voice he used when he was bragging. It sounded happily nervous, or wistful. Iwaizumi wondered if he would talk like that if it was about him. “Iwa-chan, would you...nevermind…”

Iwaizumi furrowed his eyebrows more as Oikawa turned back to the sky. “Spit it out, Shittykawa, what’s wrong?”

He watched as Oikawa’s lower lip was sucked in by his teeth, gnawing on it with hesitation. “If you’d had your first kiss, you’d tell me, right?” 

“Maybe...but I mean, I haven’t had one…so I guess when I do, I’ll tell you about it. Why?”

He didn’t know how to feel about this conversation. It was different when they talked about it in the ‘what if’ sense. Now it had happened to Oikawa and he wanted to talk about it when it happened to Iwaizumi. It felt all too real and all too grown-up for him, who was still struggling with something as simple as how to tell his best friend he was good-looking.

“Mm.” Oikawa hummed, and Iwaizumi could hear him kicking at the grass with his heel. “I just worry that Iwa-chan will be helpless with girls forever and be a lonely old man. Poor Iwa~”

Iwaizumi sat up quickly and shoved at Oikawa, pushing him away as the other boy began to laugh. His face was on fire and he was embarrassed by how worked up he’d gotten over their conversation. “You idiot! I’m not going to be alone forever, Assikawa! Maybe if you weren’t always following me around, I’d be able to get someone to kiss me.”

“Aww, don't be angry! You know you like me being around all the time,” Oikawa grinned, looking up at Iwaizumi from his position still laid out on the grass. “You need me, Iwa. You scare everyone else away with your scrunched up angry face and your hedgehog hair.” 

“You little-“

Oikawa squealed with laughter and Iwaizumi jumped on him, grabbing handfuls of the damp grass and shoving them at his face. He ran his hand through Oikawa’s curls, messing up what he was sure had taken him hours to perfect. 

“Iwa, my hair!”

“I hope you get abducted by your dumb aliens, Trashykawa!”

Laughter continued to spill from Oikawa’s lips, and soon Iwaizumi couldn’t stop the grin that took over his face as well. By the time Iwaizumi had wrestled Oikawa into submitting, they were panting and smiling laid out on their backs on the grass again. Iwaizumi could hear the thrum of a place flying in the distance, but when it passed all that was left was the sound of their breaths filling the night air. 

Like countless other things he would never admit he loved, laying here in moments like these with Oikawa was one of them. 

“Hey, Iwa-chan?”

“What do you want now?” 

Oikawa shifted again and Iwaizumi turned his head to watch as he rolled onto his stomach, lifting himself up on his elbows to place his chin in his palm. He looked at Iwaizumi with that small, wistful smile again and he felt his heart race. 

“I wish we could stay here forever.”

His eyes widened, and he had to turn away just to get the words to form in his throat. 

“Oh...me too.”

——-

The chirping of cicadas and the buzz of street lamps was in full swing by the time Iwaizumi had dragged himself out of bed and into fresh clothes. His mother had no problem with him leaving so late, because it was Oikawa he was going to see— and he was always, always by his side. 

The night was especially cool for some reason, a slight breeze giving brief breaks from the usually sweltering Miyagi summer nights. The walk from Iwaizumi’s house to Oikawa’s was less than 10 minutes, but each summer when he made the nightly walk to his house he’d learned to stretch it further and further if only to delay what was coming. 

Eventually, the view of Oikawa’s home came into place. The only two story home on the block, which, of course, had to be where Oikawa’s room was. He slipped around the back, snatching up a few pebbles from the ground as he walked. The light from Oikawa’s room was still on, and if he squinted he could almost make out the shape of Oikawa shifting around the room, the bop and weave of his head occasionally slipping into view. 

Iwaizumi took a large inhale of air, feeling the bundle of nerves which had embedded itself in his chest years ago shift with his anxiety. He tossed a pebble at Oikawa’s window, and then a few seconds later, another one. 

It was after thirty seconds the window shot open and Oikawa’s head peaked out, and with the light of the moon, he could make out the twist of his lips exposing two rows of pearly whites in a grin. The light from his room made the tufts of hair styled on his head look like a fluffy halo. “Iwa-chan~” He sang, his voice hushed so only he could hear. His voice sounded like secret prayer that he sung whenever they found themselves here at night, sneaking around.

“Hurry up and get your fat ass out the window, idiot.” He shot back, voice lacking any real heat with how quiet he was forced to be. They’d done this routine over and over for two summers now, and Oikawa always found a way to make it difficult each time. 

A snicker came from above and Oikawa disappeared for a moment, the lights turned off and then he was back, making his way out the window feet first. 

Iwaizumi steeled himself below, bending his knees to keep his stance planted firm as he gripped at Oikawa’s lanky legs. 

“Ready?”

“Hurry up!”

“You’re so mean, Iwa-chan!”

Oikawa let go from where he’d been gripping the windowsill, and Iwaizumi’s hands made quick work of shifting from his legs to his waist to keep him steady as his feet hit the ground with a loud thump. They stayed still for a moment, the only noise besides the cicadas being their bated breaths. The heat of Oikawa’s hips seemed to bleed onto his hands as the seconds ticked by, both of them waiting to see if Oikawa’s parents had been alerted by the sound. 

The nerves in his chest grew as he held Oikawa there, and he was glad the only house on the block without a streetlamp in front was his. Because all Oikawa had to do was tip his head to the side a bit and he would be able to see the flush spread across Iwaizumi cheeks, his pupils blown wide with a hopeless feeling of want.

The past two summers since they turned sixteen had made their maturing bodies reach their limits. The tentative curiosity to explore their wants and desires morphing into tangible needs. 

Iwaizumi hated that he had to want Oikawa.

After a minute, Oikawa sighed and stepped out of Iwaizumi's grip, “Oh, Prince Charming, I’ve waited so long.” He purred, stepping around him, trailing his slender hand over Iwaizumi’s chest with a fleeting, feather touch. 

Iwaizumi tried to will the flush to go away, turning away and hoping that his eyes hadn’t adjusted to the dark enough yet to make out his blush. “Quit calling me that, you aren’t a princess. You’re the ugly monster guarding the tower.” He whispered, hearing his best friend’s footsteps behind him as they exited the back yard.

Oikawa gasped, and hit Iwaizumi's back with a punch that lacked any strength. “You’d be lucky to have me as your princess, I’m the only one you seem to be able to get!”

He refrained from turning around to smack Oikawa, the bitter truth behind those words stung but he knew that the taller man had no idea of Iwaizumi’s true feelings. Not that it would matter if he did.

“Ever think that I could get a partner if you weren’t always following me around and stealing them away?” He mumbled back.

“I can’t help that my beauty is just more desirable, Iwa-chan. But don’t be sad, you’ll find a girl who likes rugged, gorilla-like men someday.” 

Once they reached the street, Iwaizumi turned and kicked Oikawa’s shin, face burning with embarrassment. The brunette hissed with pain, leaning down to rub at his shin as Iwaizumi kept walking. 

“Iwa!” Oikawa sang, footsteps smacking the pavement as he took long strides to keep up. “I was just kidding.” His lips formed that pout he’d perfected since infancy, brown eyes squinting to form two perfect crescents on his face. 

Iwaizumi felt the familiar reverb that followed whenever Oikawa had successfully tugged at his heartstrings. Pretend as he had for years that Oikawa’s ‘pretty boy’ act didn’t work on him, they both knew how it did. Because Oikawa seemed to always know the secrets Iwaizumi kept.

The years had been especially kind to Oikawa, his past boyish charm shifting into a more refined beauty. The extra flesh on his cheeks having melted away to sculpt the hard lines of his cheekbones and jaw. Those brown eyes that always held secrets, always full of thoughts racing through his mind had become more slanted, pulling in anyone who happened to meet his gaze.  
Right now, it was Iwaizumi who was stuck there, just as he always was and would be.

“S’fine.” Iwaizumi mumbled, shoving his hands in the pockets of his shorts and looking at his feet. 

He didn’t need to look to know the silly smirk was back on Oikawa’s lips. As long as things stayed light and he kept his eyes averted, he wouldn’t have to be sucked in again. 

“So,” He said, to fill the silence that had settled, kicking a rock with the toe of his sneaker, “who is it tonight?”

Oikawa kicked the same rock with more pep in his step than Iwaizumi, “Asuka Hirama.” He sang, the words dripping like honey off his tongue. “Her parents are apparently visiting some extended family so she graciously asked me to come over.”

Iwaizumi hummed in reply, feeling an ache settle low in his stomach at the words.  
They did this every summer since puberty, Oikawa would call and Iwaizumi would answer. Oikawa would need help getting to some flings house, and Iwaizumi would help. He would help because he was Oikawa’s best friend. Even though each summer he wished that Oikawa would ask him to be with him for the night instead of some random girl from school, he would still help. Because he’d rather play a minor role in Oikawa’s life for the rest of his, than not be in it at all. 

“You’ve gone quiet, Iwa-chan. Being judgey in that thick skull of yours, hm?” 

Iwaizumi’s whipped his head to look at Oikawa, who had a large crooked smirk plastered on his face. He knew Oikawa was just trying to get a rise out of him, like always, and that he shouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Nevertheless, he couldn’t stop the scowl that formed on his lips and the tsk that came out. “Idiot, I’m not judging you. I’m just praying that these poor girls find something better to do than call you up.”

A gasp slipped from Oikawa and he placed a hand against his chest in mock-horror, “Something better? I think my company is great, I’ll have you know. I’m popular for a reason, Iwa-chan.” He raised his eyebrows and leaned forward into Iwaizumi’s space as they walked, “I know a few girls who could handle you if you wanted, I can call them up right now. As long as they aren’t scared of your monster face.”

Iwaizumi shoved Oikawa’s side, his friend stumbling with laughter for a moment before slipping back into pace with him, their hands occasionally brushing against each other as they walked.

“I’ll have you know, I’m just not,” Iwaizumi grunted, looking down at the ground, scuffing the soles of his sneakers against the pavement. “I don’t know, just not into anyone— I’m perfectly fine.”

“Oh? 

“Why’d you say ‘Oh?’ like that, huh?!”

“‘Cause! You would be honest with me right, Iwa-chan? I mean, as far as I know you’ve never even kissed another person and I’m your best friend, I should be the first person to know. I should before the person you’re kissing even knows!”

Iwaizumi wrinkled his nose, feeling his elbows bumping into Oikawa’s with every step. The hypotheticals of his first kiss with any random person just made it more clear how completely maniacal his feelings for the taller man were. How he should have started suppressing them years ago instead of hanging onto some false fantasy.

He’d just blinded himself every day and leaned too much on the fact that they were best friends first, before they were anything else in his mind. 

“Shut up,” He spat, “I’ll have my first kiss when I’m good and ready.”

“Ya’ know, I could do that for you if you wanted.”

Iwaizumi’s heart completely stopped. Shock took hold of his body, and he stopped walking all together. Oikawa took a few steps before realizing Iwaizumi was no longer keeping pace, turning to look at him head on. They’d stopped underneath a streetlamp, in the light, Oikawa’s face was painted a light orange hue. His eyes seemed dark under the shadows of his eyelashes, casting dark webs over his pointed cheeks. 

He thought for a moment he’d misheard, that his heart and brain were connecting in some sick, twisted joke so he’d hear his fantasies come to light.

“What?” He said, eyes widened with shock. He was sure he looked crazy, face red with embarrassment, wariness glistening in his eyes and on his face. Iwaizumi really just hoped that he looked more surprised than lovestruck, staring at his best friend like some beacon in the dark. 

Time slowed for a moment and Oikawa’s face seemed to go blank, his eyes losing the teasing, secretive tint to them. For the first time in years, he looked just like he did that night of his 15th birthday, when Iwaizumi had thought he looked innocent and beautiful. 

And then the moment ended.

Oikawa’s expression rose back up, and he was laughing, it sounded strange in Iwaizumi’s ears, “I-I mean, I’m just kidding, Iwa-chan, you don’t have to look like that! You look like I just said the world was ending.”

His fists clenched at his sides and he looked off to the side, “Right, I know, shut up, asshole.” He whispered, shaking off any hurt or hope that lingered on the surface of his skin. His heart was absolutely pounding. He tried to bring the conversation back to the beginning, desperate to chase this moment away.  
“I just think that, for the record, this is self destructive.”

Oikawa scoffed, “Well, for the record, I’m aware of that.”

Oikawa stepped forward, hand coming up to hold his chin between forefinger and thumb, tilting Iwaizumi’s face upward. Their height difference was almost nonexistent, but in that moment, he’d never felt so small in comparison to his best friend. So insignificant.  
Iwaizumi froze, eyes wide and expression bare as Oikawa leaned in.

Iwaizumi could smell the mint of his breath fanning over his face, feel the heat radiating off his body and soaking into his own. They were almost unbearably close, they always were. His eyelids fluttered, and Iwaizumi thought for one hopeful moment— is he really going to kiss me?

“For the record,” Oikawa whispered, his thumb shifting up to brush Iwaizumi’s lower lip. “I’ve been picturing Asuma’s body, draped over the sofa wearing nothing but her-“

“-Stop.“

Iwaizumi shoved Oikawa’s hand off, feeling shame wash over his whole body. He took a step back, and Oikawa was still smirking, and maybe it was the hope still lingering in the back of his mind, but his pupils looked just as blown wide as he knew his were, his cheeks just as flushed. 

“For the record.” Oikawa said, waving his hand in the air with a flippant motion, turning and continuing down the street. 

Iwaizumi watched his friend’s retreating back for a few painful seconds. Oikawa didn’t turn around, didn’t pause. He knew that Iwaizumi would follow, as he always would. Because where else would he go?

I’m screwed, he thought, reluctantly stepping forward. 

—-

Once Iwaizumi got home that night, heart aching and eyes swollen with exhaustion, it really sunk in what had happened between them. Moments like that, where Oikawa would tease him and he would get angry were just a blip in the timeline of their friendship. Tonight was different though. Because for some reason, that last phone call accompanied by the weight of Oikawa offering to kiss him and then laughing about it had broken the bridge he’d so carefully built over the course of years. He’d built it on false hope and low self preservation and he was suffering for it now. 

That blindness to his own heart had led him to a breaking point. Iwaizumi had been suppressing these strange, abnormal feelings for so many years that he wasn’t sure what was real right now. They’d talked about going to Tokyo together since they were kids, both in their respective sport fields, competing and working together.

But could he keep this going? For years and years? 

Could he really stay friends with Oikawa like this?

It wasn’t fair to keep pining over a man who would never feel the same. Iwaizumi felt like a creep just thinking about his friend that way now, especially since said friend had been with a girl just hours ago.  
It wasn’t fair to keep doing this to himself either. Losing sleep each night and picturing futures that would never be attainable whenever his best friend so much as looked at him with affection. 

Iwaizumi felt like a coward right now, running away from a friend who had always been there as much as he was for him.  
But life wasn’t fair and never would be.

——

The next night, Iwaizumi was ready for the phone call. He’d avoided Oikawa all day, saying he was busy with family and completing application paperwork for University. He needed the space to contemplate how he would go about confessing. It didn’t have to be a big ordeal, cause as soon as he did, their friendship would no doubt be over. But Iwaizumi wanted to do it right, he owed that to himself. He wanted to be able to, just once, tell Oikawa Tooru how beautiful he thought he was before he would never see him again. 

So when the phone rang, he picked up on the first ring, heart already placed behind a steel box so he could get through this without backing down.

“Oh?” Oikawa said in lieu of a proper greeting, “You picked up so quickly, Iwa-chan. Couldn’t sleep?” 

Iwaizumi was already slipping his sneakers on, balancing the phone between his ear and shoulder. The quicker he did this the better. “No.” He grunted.

“Well, wanna come help me sneak out again? Tonight I’m going to-”

“I don’t need to know.” Iwaizumi spat through the phone, keys in hand as he walked out his front door, pace quickening as he made his way to the Oikawa residence. “I’ll sneak you out, I-” He stopped, stuck frozen under the glare of a streetlamp. He tilted his gaze up, the clear endless night sky was peering back down on him. He was reminded of their ideas of ‘forever’ from when they were kids, too young and naive for the world but not for each other. “I need to talk to you.” He mumbled, feeling a lump forming in his throat.

Oikawa was silent for a moment, and Iwaizumi wondered if he might just forego going to the girl’s house all together. “Yeah, sure, Iwa-chan. When are you-?”

“I’m already on my way.” He hung up before either of them could get the chance to speak again, afraid that if he opened his mouth once more over the phone he would let his heart out of its cage and run away.

The routine was the same, throw a rock at Oikawa’s window and help him onto the ground safely. But there were no teasing remarks greeting him when he got here, no hesitant hands lingering on Oikawa’s hips and no secret smirk gracing his friend’s face. He could tell his simple words had made Oikawa nervous, by the quiet that settled over them and the way he wrung his hands together as they started their walk down the long stretch of pavement. 

It was always rare to see Oikawa nervous. He’d always been the type to succumb to anxiety, especially when it derived from feeling inferior in volleyball. But he was never nervous, and even more so, never around him. Iwaizumi hated to be the source of those bad emotions, and the knowledge that they would only be worse after their conversation weighed heavily on his mind. 

They walked until they reached a long stretch of road with nothing in between it but fields, the moon the only source of guiding light for them now that the street lamps weren’t needed out here.  
“Come on,” Iwaizumi reached out his hand, finally looking up to meet Oikawa’s gaze. His expression was confused, and obviously scared, so raw and bare from what Iwaizumi was used to. “I’m sorry, I know you’re probably in a hurry to go but—.”

“I’m in no rush.” Oikawa blurted, his hand reaching out and taking hold of Iwaizumi’s outstretched palm. Iwaizumi had always admired his hands, fingers long and thin and palms slightly calloused from the constant harsh serves on the court. His hands were powerful, and just as beautiful as every other part of Oikawa. Iwaizumi squeezed his palm, admitting the moment to memory. “I’m not going anywhere, I-I just…I don’t know why, I’m just kinda scared right now, Iwa-chan. Is everything okay?” 

Iwaizumi’s lips pressed into a thin line, and he nodded, afraid that if he spoke in that moment he’d blurt everything out all at once. 

With slow steps, he guided Oikawa off the road and into the field, the crunch of grass under their feet and the rustling of the wind through trees far off in the distance surrounding them. The field was wide with rice crops starting a ways down from them on either side. Iwaizumi had never felt so claustrophobic in the nature of Miyagi before, the air empty around him but his skin hot and buzzing with nerves. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Oikawa asked, as Iwaizumi stopped their stride and looked up at the stars above them. 

He snapped back to Oikawa, brows suddenly furrowed tight. “What? No, no, why would you think that?” He asked, voice coming out sharper than he meant it to.

Oikawa’s fingers squeezed tight over his own, and Iwaizumi could feel a slight tremble spread from their connected palms. Iwaizumi watched as the tremble started in Oikawa’s lower lip, and his hand was dropped as he balled his hands into fists as his sides and spoke, “Because! I don’t know how to explain it but you’re acting strange right now! I know I’ve probably been a bit more annoying to you lately cause I constantly need you.“

“Shut up! You haven’t been annoying, dumbass! I just wanted to talk to you, I-,” Iwaizumi scrambled, unprepared for Oikawa being able to sense his own anxiety probably emanating off him. In all the scenarios he’d envisioned this playing off, he hadn’t planned for Oikawa to blame himself for anything. “I don’t mind that you need me, I like being there for you and that’s the problem! That’s what I wanted to talk about, don’t go belittling yourself like that.” 

“What do you mean, ‘that’s the problem’?” Oikawa asked, his eyebrows scrunched together and his lower lip dragged between his teeth to settle the trembling. 

Iwaizumi felt like everything was closing in on him, having brought Oikawa out here with a whole plan in his mind that was now crumbling before his eyes. The more he watched Oikawa’s anxiety overtake him, the more he wanted to just say “forget it” and have them both ignore that they’d come out here tonight and go back to normal. Whatever their normal had slowly become over the years. 

But he couldn’t, he had to do this before their summers continued and destroyed them both. 

Iwaizumi sighed heavily, tasting metal on his tongue as he realized he’d been biting the inside of his cheek until now. “Do you know how every year on your birthday we go into my backyard and we stargaze?” He questioned, trying hard to keep his voice steady. 

Oikawa’s jaw seemed to unclench, his lips falling open as confusion overtook his features. “Yeah? Iwa-chan, if this is about my birthday why’d you do all this, it’s not for another three weeks.” 

“Because—“ Iwaizumi stopped, taking in Oikawa for all he was in that second before he continued. Took in the sparkle of moonlight that reflected in the color of his eyes, the way his lips always seemed to be set in the slightest rose-tinted pout. He took in the way he just slightly had to look up to Oikawa, which he never really minded no matter how much he griped about it, he liked being able to view Oikawa from his deserved spot at the top. Iwaizumi’s mouth went dry and in the second he took in the beauty that was his best friend, he let it go. Because he didn’t deserve him, he never had. “Because the summer of your fifteenth birthday, I realized I loved you.”

His legs started to shake under the strain of his heavy heart, but he barreled on, not missing how Oikawa’s expression morphed into pure shock. “But it was when we were fourteen that I realized how absolutely breath-taking you are and I was too afraid to tell you, just as I was too afraid to tell you I loved you. I brought you here to tell you, finally. Cause you said back then that you wished we could be under the stars, just us, forever and I-” 

He felt something wet run down his face and when he swiped a shaky hand over his cheek to see what it was, he realized he was crying. “Shit, I’m sorry!” He grit his teeth against the hot wave of tears that he realized were gathering on his eyelashes. Iwaizumi grumbled under his breath as he looked to the ground, like he always was, too afraid to look up and see what was probably pity on Oikawa’s face.

“I just can’t take it anymore. Every summer, seeing you with someone else. We’re about to go to college and I do want to be there for you, just like I always am.” His voice came out a whisper between clenched teeth, but it sounded so loud in the quiet surrounding them. “I just can’t take it, Tooru. I don’t think I’ll stop loving you and it’s not fair for you to just have me following you around, pining from a distance. I’m so, so sorry.” 

Iwaizumi ended his sentence with a shaky sigh, feeling another few tears streak down his cheeks and fall into the dirt at his feet. The last time he’d cried was when they lost the match against Karasuno, and he didn’t feel as fraction as embarrassed then as he did now. Crying hadn’t been in his plans either, but nothing ever really did seem to go his way anyways. 

An agonizing minute went by in silence, just the sound of Iwaizumi sniffling and the buzz of cicadas filling the space between them. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d ever had such an awkward moment between them, or if they really had ever had one. Being with Oikawa had always felt natural, easy, as simple as breathing air. They bickered and had far too many differences than they did things in common but he had never felt that mattered much. Now, he wanted nothing more than to be far away from the other man, away from the source of his painfully unrequited feelings.

“You’re sorry?” 

Iwaizumi felt the crease between his brows settle further, and he upturned his face slightly to meet Oikawa’s gaze. The taller was utterly still, his eyes blown wide with shock and what Iwaizumi thought might be anger. “Yeah….wh-.”

A shove to his shoulder cut the words clean from his lips, shocking Iwaizumi from his emotional crisis and into a state of bewildered confusion. Oikawa had shoved him— hard. “You’re so stupid!” Oikawa snapped then, his hands balled into tight fists at his sides, trembling.

“The hell?! I said I’m sorry! I know liking guys is weird or wrong but-.”

Oikawa cut him off again to step forward and shove him again, “Shut up, it’s not that! It’s-“ His eyes were crinkled into thin crescents and Iwaizumi watched his teeth capture his lower lip, which had begun to wobble. 

He was crying? “You can’t just….come out and say something like that like it’s so easy, it’s not fair!” Oikawa yelled, his voice hoarse.

Iwaizumi’s own tears dried up, his expression blown completely open as the desperate feeling of comfort that always arose when Oikawa cried, clawed its way in his chest.  
He stayed silent as Oikawa’s sniffles filled the air and he seemed to be hurriedly fighting back sobs so he could speak more. “I remember my fifteenth birthday.” Oikawa whispered, voice thick with more tears dying to be shed. “I told you about my first kiss that day.” 

Even more confused, Iwaizumi finally spoke, “Yeah....yeah, you did. I don’t see what that has to do--?”

“Because the day I told you about my first kiss, I was also too afraid to tell you that I’d wished it had been with you instead of that nameless girl.”

Time seemed to slow for a moment as the words processed in Iwaizumi’s mind, the confusion morphing into shock and from shock into a dull state of irritation. Irritated by the fact that Oikawa could just say something like that after years of actions which had shown the exact opposite. Consistently looping Iwaizumi into his schemes of girls upon girls. None of it ever even hinting at the fact that Oikawa wished those girls had been his best friend. 

“You’re fucking with me, you asshole. I get you don’t feel the same but you don’t have to be cruel about it.” Iwaizumi snapped back, his sudden influx of negative emotions causing his words to come out angry. He felt the sudden urge to cry again, out of anger or embarrassment he wasn’t sure anymore. 

“I’m not!” Oikawa cried, taking a step further into Iwaizumi’s space. He didn’t move away, despite how wary he felt now. In this space, he was sure if the moon were any brighter, Iwaizumi was sure he’d see a full blown flush gracing the high points of his cheekbones and the curve of his nose. 

How stupid was love that he could still search for the beauty in Oikawa in times like this? Maybe if he’d never met Oikawa he wouldn’t even know what love felt like.

“You’re not? You don’t have to say things like how you wanted to kiss me when we were fifteen because you feel bad for me or because you just want to be some dick who makes a joke out of everything! I’m not an idiot, you’ve been asking me for years, Oikawa, years to help you sneak out and see girls! So don’t play with my feelings like that!” 

“Would you just listen, you’re being so stupid! I never did anything with those girls!” 

The sound of their heavy breathing filled the night air between them, and in close proximity Iwaizumi could see the full blown pupils in Oikawa’s eyes. He was sure he looked the same, chest heaving and eyes rimmed red. “You...You didn’t?”

“No! I...We just talk, and hang out, I swear. I tried kissing a few of them at first, just so I could forget how I felt and m-maybe,” Oikawa shuddered and looked down, seemingly ashamed. “Maybe change who I was.”

“Why bring me along then?” 

If Iwaizumi had questioned the shame on Oikawa’s face before, it was clear as day now. “I-I don’t know. I think I wanted to seem desirable,” At the furrow of Iwaizumi’s eyebrows, Oikawa continued on. “I wanted you to think that other people wanted me. And I thought it would maybe make you want me too…”

The silence stretched for several long seconds, and then he was laughing. The anger and confusion having disappeared from him as quickly as it appeared. Hearing it like that from Oikawa, Iwaizumi had to laugh. It really was something he would do. Oikawa had constantly wedged himself into convoluted situations since middle school in order to prove things to himself. Why would this be any different?

Iwaizumi was laughing until his stomach clenched in pain, and he could feel Oikawa’s confused gaze on him. Still standing less than a foot away, looking down at him from his advantage of a few inches. “Iwa-chan?” He asked, voice small and confused. 

His laughter died to light chuckles, “You’re so stupid, you absolute idiot.” Wiping his eyes, with a smile now curling the corners of his lips, he looked up to meet Oikawa’s gaze. “You did all that as some twisted way of trying to get me to like you?”

Oikawa looked very embarrassed all of sudden, pursing his lips and darting his eyes to the side. “Well when you say it like that…” He looked back to match his gaze and scratched the back of his neck, “I guess it does sound kind of stupid.”

“Wow, the great king finally admitted to his own idiocy.”

“Hey, now is not the time to be rude, Iwa-chan!”

“It’s okay,” Iwaizumi assured, “We were both idiots.”

Oikawa seemed satisfied with that, and nodded. 

“It wasn’t ‘easy’, by the way.” Iwaizumi mumbled, continuing when Oikawa tilted his head in question. “For me to come out and admit how I felt to you was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I thought you would hate me afterward.” 

Oikawa’s lower lip began to tremble again and he sniffed hard, making a sound that Iwaizumi shouldn’t have found cute. “Iwa-chan, never.”

The negative tension between them had fizzled to a lighter buzz, dancing along their skin to remind them that there were positives that had come from their individual outbursts. They both felt the same about the other and it had taken absolute dramatics for either of them to admit to it. 

A nagging need pricked the forefront of Iwaizumi’s mind, and he took a half-step forward so the space between them was almost nonexistent. The need was an idea he’d had for years now, and until this moment had been too afraid to even think about attempting it.

“I kind of want to kiss you right now,” He whispered, “is that weird?”

Oikawa shook his head, eyes sparkling with the reflection of stars and adoration that he was sure his own eyes mirrored. “You really need to ask that now?” He teased, voice soft like a prayer in the inches between them.

They came together slowly, Oikawa meeting Iwaizumi partway till the soft press of lips met the other. It was warm, and he felt hyper aware of the heat spreading along his skin and the nerves snapping like taut strings in his stomach. 

When Oikawa’s lips moved to deepen the kiss for a moment, Iwaizumi realized that this was his first kiss. His first kiss with his best friend, the only other man he’d ever seen himself be with for the rest of his days. 

Iwaizumi placed his hands on Oikawa’s hips, feeling the warmth of his skin press into the pads of his fingers through his shirt. He felt alive.  
His inexperience must have shown when his teeth bumped in Oikawa’s, but the other didn’t let that stop or bother him, instead gently tilting his head so their lips slotted together into another fluid movement and they melted into each other once again. 

He’d get to look back on this moment for the rest of his life as the first of many of his others ‘firsts’ and not have a single ounce of regret, or disappointment. Because this is what he’d wanted for years, and he’d never stop wanting it.  
That was why when it ended, he didn’t immediately press for more, after tonight he was sure Oikawa and him would steal hundreds upon thousands of other kinds of kisses. They’d learn the parts of each other that they hadn’t yet, as more than just best friends. 

They stayed close together though, Oikawa’s forehead pressed to his and their chests working up and down with heavy breaths, trying to regain the air they’d lost too busy discovering what it meant to touch something that now belonged to you.

“You’re beautiful, Tooru.” Iwaizumi whispered, his inhibitions gone. He’d wanted to say this for years, anyways. “I’ve always wanted to say that.” 

Oikawa’s breath hitched for a moment and then they were both falling, the taller of the two having pitched forward to throw his arms around Iwaizumi’s neck. They landed in the damp grass, the air knocked loose from their lungs again and limbs tangled together. 

The stars were the only witness to the fits of laughter that came from them, their voices carried by the wind and far off where no one else would be able to hear in that moment of time. 

They’d always be together, every summer, just like this. Maybe that’s how it was always meant to be, whether they’d ever known it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This was originally created after I saw this tiktok: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJCPoGhX/ I absolutely LOVE all their videos so this is dedicated to them.
> 
> And then it formed a mind of it's own and morphed into this. some things don't match canon but oh well ! I hope y'all enjoyed it and maybe another time I will write a small sequel or write more Iwaoi stuff.  
> Cause we love pining Iwaizumi in this household.


End file.
